5 Ways To Be A Trans Friendly Parent
In 7th grade, I asked my mom to cut my hair short. “Like Tony Hawk,” I said. She asked if I was sure. If I understood that I’d be made fun of. I told her I didn’t care. Now I know that I meant, I need this. I don’t know why. And it matters more that I look right than if I’m made fun of.
Cutting my hair short affirmed my identity. Wearing boys clothes AND playing with dolls affirmed my identity. And now, all these years later, using they/them pronouns and identifying as nonbinary (neither male nor female) affirms my identity. Because affirming someone’s identity doesn’t make everything about their identity, it lets them be who they are.
As a gender nonconforming kid, I didn’t have YouTube and Instagram to see other people like me. I didn’t learn about the evolution of language in school. No one sat me down and told me it was okay to be queer. Instead, at first, I was told to change. To fit in. When that didn’t work, I was told to be quiet about. To not tell my parents. To not make it such a big deal. To stop doing everything for attention. I’m encouraged to be quiet, to not come out at school or church or work, to not make things so complicated for those around me. I’m expected to let people mispronoun me. I’m expected to be small.
But I can’t do that. Because transgender teens are one of the most at-risk groups for self-harm, suicide, depression, and cyberbullying. Because these kids are 9 times more likely to attempt suicide than the general population. Because my friend calls me and tells me her kindergartener got harassed in the bathroom for “looking like a boy” and can’t stop crying. Because another friend messages me in the middle of the night that her middle schooler wants to die because they were born in the wrong body.
I refuse to be quiet about that. About the kids who feel safe enough to come home and tell their parents, but their parents have no idea where to start. About the kids who will lose everything if they stand up for who they know they truly are. About the kids who don’t yet have the words but everything hurts. About the kids who are being bullied online and no one even knows because they’re scared and ashamed and think they somehow deserve it. Because sometimes the world tells them they deserve it.
As parents, we can do better. As teachers and grown-ups who get the chance to love kids and help them not just survive, but thrive, we can do better.
LEARN about gender identity.
AFFIRM the identities of those around you. Especially that pink haired gender nonconforming teen you saw in line at the store this morning.
SHARE what you’re learning with those around you. As parents, we get a front row view to the next generation. To all the ways they challenge the norms, to all the ways they challenge This means we also get the opportunity to tell our coworkers, friends, and neighbors what we're learning and bring them along.
ASK your kids what they know about gender identity. Sometimes kids have a lot to learn and sometimes they are our teachers. Make space for all of it. Question them to dig deeper. Let them question and challenge you. Remind them that their identity today is not forever and it’s okay for them to evolve in how they think of themselves. I ask my kid about her pronouns monthly to remind her that she will always be evolving into her full self and give her a chance to update me along the way.
PROTECT your kids and their friends.
Affirming trans kids won't solve all the world's problems, but it helps. Just like talking to your kids doesn't completely solve online irresponsibility, depression, self-harm, and cyberbullying. But it helps. And then, just like everything else in our lives, it's always good to have a backup plan.
